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I'm scared to tell you this ....

I'm afraid to tell you this ....but I'm scared.

I'm scared that my life has changed forever, that it's spiralled out of control and that there's nothing I can do about it. I'm scared that I've changed and I'm scared that I won't be able to cope with it and make a new normal for myself

Every time in feel angry or down I'm scared that I'm not dealing with the situation in the way that I normally would. I'm scared that I'm filtering my life through my fear and that I see danger or upset everywhere. I'm scared that I might be wrong.

I'm scared that I thought I knew who I was. That my place and contribution to the world was - I'm scared that I actually have no idea about anything and I'm scared that I won't ever again. I'm scared that I'm completely overwhelmed and there's no way back. I'm afraid that I will lose my house and I'm scared that I won't ever earn again and be financially independent again.

I am ashamed of just how scared I am. I am scared that if i move forward I leave him behind, yet I am even more scared to stay stuck.

I am so scared of how much I miss my son, scared that his murder has left me seeing danger in places I did not used to, scared to face my feelings of grief and anger.

I've used every technique I can think of - forgiving , focusing , setting new goals , imagining my lovely telling me to 'get out there and get on with it mum' .

Scared to imagine the possibility of a life without Sam, scared not to.

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