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A lesson in bereavement or a lesson in life?

 

If there’s one thing losing my lovely son has taught me, it’s that life doesn’t stop for anyone. While the world has kept turning, I’ve been rooted in place. Bereavement has taken me on a journey I never thought imaginable, exposing me to the disparity of the criminal justice system. It’s an experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Better out than in!

As some of you know (or may not know) my lovely, twenty two year old son, Sam was murdered in October 2013. A senseless unnecessary waste of a young life and my only child.

This catapulted our family into utter devastation and chaos which was made even worse by the painfully slow, bewildering criminal justice system. I was simply unable to function or work and I became, well, a wee bit of a recluse.

Afraid of going out, of speaking to people, afraid of not knowing what to say and worse still, dealing with people who did not know what to say to me.

Let's face it, who would know what to say? I felt that I didn't know who I was anymore.

I went to an event at Glasgow City Chambers for International Women's Day last week and was surrounded by inspirational women with amazing talents, experiences and stories to tell.

There began the faintest flicker of possibility for me. Maybe there is a future for me, perhaps there is potential to create a different future. Unexpected and not wanted, but just maybe there is a contribution for me to make. To connect and help people, but I know this for certain, that possibility exists out there. Out there in the community and not sitting alone and afraid at home.

So taking my courage in both hands and using the experiences of those inspiring women as fuel, I am taking a step forward today and I am re-joining the world.

For me, for my baby granddaughter, for Sam.

Because, as they say in Glasgow, better out than in!

I'm scared to tell you this ....

I'm afraid to tell you this ....but I'm scared.

I'm scared that my life has changed forever, that it's spiralled out of control and that there's nothing I can do about it. I'm scared that I've changed and I'm scared that I won't be able to cope with it and make a new normal for myself

Every time in feel angry or down I'm scared that I'm not dealing with the situation in the way that I normally would. I'm scared that I'm filtering my life through my fear and that I see danger or upset everywhere. I'm scared that I might be wrong.

I'm scared that I thought I knew who I was. That my place and contribution to the world was - I'm scared that I actually have no idea about anything and I'm scared that I won't ever again. I'm scared that I'm completely overwhelmed and there's no way back. I'm afraid that I will lose my house and I'm scared that I won't ever earn again and be financially independent again.

I am ashamed of just how scared I am. I am scared that if i move forward I leave him behind, yet I am even more scared to stay stuck.

I am so scared of how much I miss my son, scared that his murder has left me seeing danger in places I did not used to, scared to face my feelings of grief and anger.

I've used every technique I can think of - forgiving , focusing , setting new goals , imagining my lovely telling me to 'get out there and get on with it mum' .

Scared to imagine the possibility of a life without Sam, scared not to.

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